2020, online dating, and the struggles of a single 20-somethinger

Our story (part 1)
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​One whole year – that’s how long it’s been since I wrote something on here.

Since, I met a guy, started dating, got engaged and joined the married club. (Which might not be news to you, considering most people who follow my blog, know me in some way in the real world as well).

Either way, I felt the best way to break the silence would be to tell the story. As a single, I was inspired by the way God orchestrated other people’s love stories. It gave me hope. So hopefully ours will do the same for you.

The biggest thing I’ve learnt (am learning) on this journey was to let go of preconceived ideas about dating, marriage and my future husband.
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So let’s start.
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Online dating

​I never wanted to be one of those people who say they never wanted to be one of those people, but then they tried it, once, and they ended up marrying their first Tinder date.
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Well... 
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We were slowly progressing out of hard lockdown (which God used to ask me if I REEEAAAALLY trusted Him with my dreams and desires; especially those that included a husband and children).
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As we were allowed to go for walks in nature I met up with two friends for a legal catch-up hike. That’s when one of them announced she decided to download Tinder. 

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​Perhaps you’re embracing the day and age we live in and online dating is the norm to you. Perhaps you’re super old fashioned and you’re expecting to meet your husband at church; or through friends (you know from church). Well, I was very much the latter. 

​The only problem was that at this stage, all our church gatherings were online. It had been like that for 3 months and there was no certainty as to when it would change. 

The odds for meeting someone seemed very much against me. I was soon to celebrate my 26th year on earth and couldn’t understand how God could let such a prime-husband-meeting-time completely go to waste.
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But He didn’t.
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2020
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"All I had to do was trust Him, and yet it seemed so hard."

​I’ve been learning to trust God with my future for a number of years now. There have been seasons I’ve been very content and happy on my own and seasons where I was really lonely.
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Last year (up to when I met my now-husband, Charl) was actually a pretty lonely year. Not just because I didn’t have a boyfriend/husband, but even just because I didn’t see my friends as often as before. Even though we put in a lot of effort to have virtual gatherings and stay connected; I still felt isolated. 

​But that’s where I had Jesus. So I shared my hurt, frustrations and loneliness with Him. And in His perfect time, He brought healing. 

​“The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit.” – Psalm 34:18

​I should probably add that it didn’t always feel like “healing”– it felt like my life and relationship with Jesus was a bit of a mess. All I had to do was trust Him, and yet it seemed so hard. But that’s where He revealed the hurt and insecurities of my heart. 

Once brought into His light, truth gets revealed (John 1:4-5, 8:12). The process of healing starts. It’s not an over-night thing, but a daily choice to grow in Him (Philippians 1:6).

"Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me." - Philippians 3:12

So that’s where I was when I met my husband. I was lonely and had an intense longing for a friend. But at the same time I had a willingness to follow Christ, even if it meant I would still be single at 90.
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Let’s get back to the story.
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Some more online dating

​I honestly didn’t want anything to do with Tinder or online dating. I thought it was a really unromantic way to meet someone. So it was never an option. But then my friend wanted to try it, and it forced me to question my own intentions. It forced me to pray about it. Eventually I had to ask myself whether I’d rather meet no one at all than to meet someone on Tinder.

​So there it was; the first major misconception about romance I needed to lay down. If this was God’s way of introducing me to my future husband; did it really matter whether or not I thought it was “romantic” enough?

​*Just because some of you might actually be inspired to give Tinder or some other platform a try now; I feel obliged to add a “be careful” clause. There are some dodgy people on there. I personally decided not to swipe for anyone who didn’t mention Jesus or being a Christian in their bio. 

To give him some credit; my initial online impression of Charl was really good. His Tinder bio said: “I’m not here for fun and games. I’m looking for a lady who loves Jesus Christ and is ready for a relationship.” He seemed to be someone who knew what he wanted and wasn’t going to waste my time. It turned out to be quite accurate.
 
Then we met up for coffee one really cold winter day...
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The first date

​​Charl ended up being that awkward length where you’re not really sure who’s taller (we actually still don’t know). I was wearing boots with a bit of a heel. So after saying hello, I sort of didn’t see the point of having coffee with him anymore. I was looking to marry someone who was much taller than I am. Misconception number two!!

​​But it would’ve been rude to leave, so we ended up having a three hour date. Surprisingly, I really enjoyed talking to him; it felt like we were speaking the same language (past tense – good communication in marriage often takes hard work). As for sparks and butterflies, however, there was nothing. I think I’ll stop counting the misconceptions now and leave it to you to spot them. 
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Love triangles

​My feelings toward Charl were neutral. I enjoyed the date, but wasn’t really too phased with whether or not there would be a second date. I continued speaking to other guys I met on Tinder and especially enjoyed my conversations with one other guy in particular. Naturally, I was really eager when this other guy invited me for coffee.
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And then Charl invited me on a second date too. 

​The only thing I knew to do was to be honest. I agreed to a second date, but told him about still talking to other guys and also going on a date with someone else.

He seemed to understand, but mentioned he was exclusively talking to me since our first date. And that was when it started to feel scary. I didn’t want to hurt anyone, but my feelings were all over the place.

​*This seems like a good place to add another dating clause. This was my first time ever online dating. I’m sharing all of this with you because it’s the truth, not because I necessarily believe I did and said everything right. I was honest about my intentions and about talking to other guys, because I believe honesty is a biblical principle (Ephesians 4:25) and because I wanted to honour and protect the guys I was speaking to as my brothers in Christ. But perhaps talking to more than one guy at a time isn’t such a good idea. I don’t know...

Then it just so happened that my second date with Charl was scheduled before my date with the other guy...
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The second date

​It was actually so much fun.  We basically spent the whole morning together, hiking and then eating “vetkoek” and talking and talking. Because my feelings and attraction toward him were still neutral, it didn’t really feel like a date. It felt like I was hanging out with a like-minded friend. I didn’t need to sit up straight and use the right words. I could relax and be myself.

He walked me to my car and asked if we could do it again sometime.

Then I panicked.

A third date seemed like the point where I needed to decide if I wanted to get to know him exclusively. And I wasn’t ready for that yet. I really enjoyed his conversation – but that was IT.

AND I still had an outstanding date with the other guy...

So I said I needed time to think about it. Even just typing those words makes my heart hurt in the way it did when I said them. He was such a nice guy and the last thing I wanted to do was to hurt him. 
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The friend-zone

After crying about it; calling a friend and talking it through; I decided to tell him we weren’t going to be more than friends. And that was the sad part. I actually did want to be his friend, but unfortunately that’s not the way it works. He had feelings for me and that would only complicate things.

So I gave him a call. I said I really wish we could’ve been friends. He tried to make a joke about us saying goodbye and then probably never speaking again. Then I cried.

Yip.

In the middle of an “I’m sorry I don’t see this going anywhere” call, I started crying.
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But I somehow managed to say goodbye without him noticing.
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And then I sobbed, having absolutely no idea why.
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“In their hearts humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps.” – Proverbs 16:9

This is the cliff I’ll leave you hanging; but do look out for the rest of the story.

**Spoiler alert: I marry Charl in the end.

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