Christian dating 101

I’ve been passionate about romance since I can remember. Honestly, I was sure that my first crush was the “boy” I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Naturally, this perspective caused me to get my heart broken a number of times. God miraculously used it to introduce me to the concept of Jesus being my first Love. So that’s great – but it does not solve the dilemma of finding a second love or how to navigate your way through such relations in a God-honoring way. 

​So I set off on a quest to read every book, watch every video and apply every idea to “Christian dating”   Dating, courtship, friendship – call it what you like.  I have come to the conclusion that there is absolutely no “one-size-fits-all” recipe on how to find your second love and have a Godly relationship.

Let me repeat that in other words: Just because some couple you know met and dated in a certain way does not mean it’s going to work out that way for you or that it should. I also feel it is necessary to ad that just because you stick to the “rules” of Christian dating does not mean your first relationship is going to end in marriage. Going into “dating” with intent to honour God also doesn’t disqualify you from getting your heart broken.
So as a still-single young woman; here are a few principles I plan to apply in meeting and relating to my second love:

1. Be intentional 
If this is the first article you’re reading about Christian dating ever – this principle is especially for you! Christians don’t just date for the fun of it! Okay, some Christians might, but they honestly shouldn’t. If Jesus is Lord of your life He should be Lord of every aspect of your life – this includes your relations with the opposite sex. God created man and woman to represent Him in marriage. He’s intention for guy- girl relationships has always been marriage. Failed relationships potentially steal from the future marriages of both parties involved. Dating someone you don’t intend (or at least consider) marrying does not honour God.​

2. Invest in friendship (with the opposite sex)
​This sounds like something my mother would say, but I realized quite a while back to take her advice. My guy friends teach me things about guys; how they ought to treat you; how they think about life and relationships. They open my eyes to what I believe to be important qualities in a future spouse.Most people would highly recommend being friends with someone before entering into a romantic relationship. When you start feeling attracted to someone, it sometimes makes being “just friends” rather difficult. There’s no rule in Christian dating that you HAVE to be friends before you can date. I would however strongly suggest that you attempt to get to know each other in some way before running blindly into romance. Friendship is a great place for that.  

3. Make mistakes
​It’s okay to get your heart broken. I really feel the need to emphasize this. Obviously, getting your heart broken isn’t ideal and should be avoided, but you can recover from it. So it might happen that you really like a guy who happens to feel that way about someone else. Or maybe you got involved in a really destructive relationship; even if you knew better.
You can either nurture the regret or get up and learn something from your mistakes. Not listening to God’s voice might be the reason for your mistake, but you have a choice to listen to Him now. What does He have to say? After facing a defeat such as heartbreak; I always go back to God to help me clearly reflect and get back up.   

"You can either nurture the regret or get up and learn something from your mistakes."

4. Invest in yourself
I’d like to touch two familiar quotes in Christian circles.
Firstly, “Two halves don’t make a whole. Two wholes make a whole.” From a mathematical point of view whatever you bring into the relationship is multiplied. This includes both you and the person you’re entering into a relationship with. If either of you are not ready; you’re signing yourselves up for failure. It’s necessary for both of you to have dealt with passed hurts and insecurities.

This brings me to the second quote: “Be the person you want to be with.” This can be applied spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially etc. etc. Before going on this crazy search to find your second love, start by preparing yourself for him.  

5. Have high expectations
In some Christian circles you might hear not to have too many expectations or that God has someone for you who will exceed all your expectations. Personally, if God is planning to exceed my expectations, having high expectations could be a very good thing. Obviously your expectations need to be reasonable, but you’re allowed to expect that someone will treat you according to what you’re worth. You’re allowed to expect to share dreams about your future with someone and you’re even allowed to expect to find your future husband attractive.   ​

"Identify people in your life who have your best interest at heart and can give an honest input."

6. Ask for guidance
I should’ve listened to my mom way too many times. When you’re attracted to someone you often have such an overdose on hormones you can’t make a clear assessment of whether that person will actually be good for you or not. You might think you’re smarter than that – I’m certainly not! Identify people in your life who have your best interest at heart and can give an honest input. It’s also good to ask for advice during an already existing relationship. How do you deal with conflict? Where should your physical boundaries be? When are you ready for marriage? Open yourself up for input in these areas. 

7. Take risks
This seems so contradicting to the typical Christian view of dating. I’m not suggesting that you fall head over heels in love with the first best person you meet, but I am suggesting that you might need to risk being vulnerable at some point. I’m sure you’re well aware of your own mistakes. You’re not perfect and neither is the person you’ll end up marrying. They are going to say and do hurtful things at some point and so are you. I once heard someone say: “Relationships aren’t easy, even if you’re with the right person.”  

"You’re not perfect and neither is the person you’ll end up marrying."

8. Remember to have fun
​Sometimes I find myself being too intentional. Someone would take me out twice and I’d be all wondering what his intentions are and when he’s planning to share them with me. I get so stressed out with wanting to do things “the right way” that I end up not enjoying meeting people, having friends, being pursued and at some point falling in love.   

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